I have a new movie idea that would turn the Friday series (starring Ice Cube) into a quadrilogy. Instead of calling the next Friday movie something along the lines of The Last Friday, or Friday the 13th—where Ice Cube and Jason Voorhees finally battle it out (though that would be totally badass!), the movie would instead be called Black Friday.
The plot would revolve around Ice Cube’s character Craig and his zany ensemble of friends going to the mall early in the morning looking for killer deals on a flat panel television and then presumably smoking pot and/or reinforcing negative race-related stereotypes, for comedic effect. Anyone looking to collaborate on this ambitious endeavor is encouraged to contact me!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
The First Thanksgiving
It's hard to believe that Thanksgiving has only been around for about 387 years. Before that people just sat around and complained about how miserable their lives were because of (you fill in the blank: no air conditioning, no indoor plumbing, how many goddamn Indians there were running around, etc).
In 1621, the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock, an amazing coincidence to be sure, being as they had just left Plymouth. In order to uphold the deal with the devil they had made ensuring safe passage across the Atlantic Ocean, the Pilgrims built an altar and sacrificed a turkey to the Dark Lord Beelzebub. Why a turkey? Well, the Pilgrims believed that the turkey was a sacred bird.
You see, the Pilgrims were apostates who left the Holy Anglican Church because they didn't believe that the literal body of Christ was present in the Eucharist. They believed that a real body and real blood were meant to be used, and not the crackers and wine found in so many church services. This heretical belief drove them to search for a new land in which they could indulge their blood lust, which brings us back to the Turkey.
You might ask "Why did they use the blood of a Turkey and not a real person?" The answer is at once both terrifying and slightly humorous. Through some sort of dark magic, the Pilgrims must have known in advance that the turkey was to become Benjamin Franklin's vote for national bird, and in effort to alter the course of history, attempted to kill as many of the non-flighted fowls as they could.
Realizing that annual, or even bi-monthly sacrifices to the Evil One would have little effect on the turkey population, they devised a holiday, whereby under the guise of "giving thanks" one would eat the soul of a turkey (turkey souls are largely believed to reside in the giblet). And so the tradition remains today, that on Thanksgiving, as many turkeys are to be killed and eaten as possible. The bitter irony in all of this is that the Bald Eagle now enjoys the status of both national bird and endangered species.
So this Thanksgiving, as the family gathers around the dinner table, as the mashed potatoes are passed, and as the elders carve up "the bird," remember the real reason for this holiday- the slaughter and attempted genocide of turkeys. And don't forget to call dibs on the giblet!
In 1621, the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock, an amazing coincidence to be sure, being as they had just left Plymouth. In order to uphold the deal with the devil they had made ensuring safe passage across the Atlantic Ocean, the Pilgrims built an altar and sacrificed a turkey to the Dark Lord Beelzebub. Why a turkey? Well, the Pilgrims believed that the turkey was a sacred bird.
You see, the Pilgrims were apostates who left the Holy Anglican Church because they didn't believe that the literal body of Christ was present in the Eucharist. They believed that a real body and real blood were meant to be used, and not the crackers and wine found in so many church services. This heretical belief drove them to search for a new land in which they could indulge their blood lust, which brings us back to the Turkey.
You might ask "Why did they use the blood of a Turkey and not a real person?" The answer is at once both terrifying and slightly humorous. Through some sort of dark magic, the Pilgrims must have known in advance that the turkey was to become Benjamin Franklin's vote for national bird, and in effort to alter the course of history, attempted to kill as many of the non-flighted fowls as they could.
Realizing that annual, or even bi-monthly sacrifices to the Evil One would have little effect on the turkey population, they devised a holiday, whereby under the guise of "giving thanks" one would eat the soul of a turkey (turkey souls are largely believed to reside in the giblet). And so the tradition remains today, that on Thanksgiving, as many turkeys are to be killed and eaten as possible. The bitter irony in all of this is that the Bald Eagle now enjoys the status of both national bird and endangered species.
So this Thanksgiving, as the family gathers around the dinner table, as the mashed potatoes are passed, and as the elders carve up "the bird," remember the real reason for this holiday- the slaughter and attempted genocide of turkeys. And don't forget to call dibs on the giblet!
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