Easter began thousands of years ago when Roman soldiers crucified a bunny in order to scare off potential followers of Jesus. The thinking was “If they’ll crucify a bunny…” The best part of this story is that the bunny didn’t stay dead! When his tomb was opened on the third day, all that was found was a brightly colored egg, and marshmallow “peeps” on shredded green plastic arranged in a basket.
The eggs were thought to be a type of coded message. People began searching and soon other, similar eggs were soon found, each one bringing the followers closer to the bunny’s secret location, which was at a pot of gold, under a rainbow. Unfortunately, a leprechaun succeeded in what the Roman soldiers could not, by boiling him in milk chocolate, thereby trapping him in the only substance on earth that the bunny was incapable of eating through. Because he was lactose intolerant.
That’s why every Easter, when children all over the world wake up and find chocolate bunnies in their Easter basket, they run the risk of unleashing his terrible fury upon the unsuspecting world. Jesus, to his credit, has been trying hard to track down the bunny and send him back to hell, but as you may or may not know, chocolate is kind of like kryptonite for Jesus; he can’t see through it.
Ladies and Gentleman, Jesus needs your support. He can’t continue his search for the bunny without generous donations from you. If this story has touched your heart, please send contributions, no matter how large, to me. I’ll, umm, make sure he gets them...
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
5 Tips for Flat, Sexy Abs
Many, many people e-mail me every day for tips on how to get those flat, sexy abs they see on TV and in the underwear magazines they subscribe to. Well, you asked for it! Here are my 5 tips, for flat sexy abs.
1) Go to college. In this globalized economy, having a college degree is even more vital than ever before in not only racking up student debt, but also becoming underemployed once the job you went to school for is outsourced. What does this have to do with flat, sexy abs? It’s hard to get fat when you don’t have money for food.
2) Learn a different language, at least, if not especially, the curse words.
3) Read The Mill on the Floss, Wuthering Heights, and Eustace Diamonds, in that order. It will make you appreciate books that aren’t 18th century literature.
4) Don’t fist your mister every day. Make it a once in a while thing. It will mean more to you, and your climaxes will be more intense.
5) Get off your ass and do some sit ups!
1) Go to college. In this globalized economy, having a college degree is even more vital than ever before in not only racking up student debt, but also becoming underemployed once the job you went to school for is outsourced. What does this have to do with flat, sexy abs? It’s hard to get fat when you don’t have money for food.
2) Learn a different language, at least, if not especially, the curse words.
3) Read The Mill on the Floss, Wuthering Heights, and Eustace Diamonds, in that order. It will make you appreciate books that aren’t 18th century literature.
4) Don’t fist your mister every day. Make it a once in a while thing. It will mean more to you, and your climaxes will be more intense.
5) Get off your ass and do some sit ups!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Independence Day Monologue
Yesterday I auditioned for student films at Pima Community College. It was a blanket audition for 20 different films. Since I’ve only done one audition before, I didn’t have a monologue ready, so they gave me this one:
Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind.
"Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!
You might recognize it as the monologue from Independence Day. Now, there’s no way I’m going to pull off a monologue that even Bill Pullman couldn’t salvage. But I tried. And failed miserably. Imagine reading the above monogue and getting most of the words wrong, with absolutely no expression in your voice, thinking the whole time that you should have stayed home and watched Dawson’s Creek in bed eating bon bons. You have a good starting point of how bad the monologue came out. Since I have no improv training, I wasn’t able to perform it the way I wanted to. The way it should have been performed. In the movie, I mean. This is what the President (Bill Pullman’s character) should have said:
Good morning, I’m the President of the United States, but some of you may remember me better as Lone Star from the movie Space Balls.
In less than an hour, we’re going to wrap up this train wreck of a movie that’s already run about an hour too long. Will Smith is going to say “Aaah, hell naw!!” a few more times. Jeff Goldblum is going to keep doing that annoying Jeff Goldblum thing that he does, and I’m most certainly not going to win an Oscar for this monologue that I’m performing right now.
Mankind—that word has a new meaning for us today. No longer will it simply refer to the creepy WWE character played by Mick Foley. The word will instead come to be an amalgam of two different words: “man” and “kind.” Perhaps we should all be a little kinder to each other, but not to the aliens, because that would be silly.
Perhaps its fate that today is the Independence Day, and that the movie is called Independence Day, and that it was released on the Independence Day. Yes, fate, or some kind of genius marketing scheme. From this day forward, should we win, the Fourth of July will no longer be an American holiday, but a worldwide one. Except for the French, whom you will notice are conspicuously absent from the group of fighter pilots. Pussies.
Let’s face it people, we’re all gonna die. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but those are fucking aliens we’re up against, with fucking laser beams. They are single-minded in their purpose, which is to wipe our asses of the map, and most likely feel no pain. I mean, let’s say hypothetically we defeat these bastards. There’s probably another wave waiting behind that one. We’re fucking screwed people. Pray to whatever god you believe in. Not like it’ll do any good, cause the aliens probably took them out first.
Smoke if you got ‘em!
Way better, right? This actually inspired me to begin work on a new screenplay called ID42: Cinco de Mayo. More on that later…
Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind.
"Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!
You might recognize it as the monologue from Independence Day. Now, there’s no way I’m going to pull off a monologue that even Bill Pullman couldn’t salvage. But I tried. And failed miserably. Imagine reading the above monogue and getting most of the words wrong, with absolutely no expression in your voice, thinking the whole time that you should have stayed home and watched Dawson’s Creek in bed eating bon bons. You have a good starting point of how bad the monologue came out. Since I have no improv training, I wasn’t able to perform it the way I wanted to. The way it should have been performed. In the movie, I mean. This is what the President (Bill Pullman’s character) should have said:
Good morning, I’m the President of the United States, but some of you may remember me better as Lone Star from the movie Space Balls.
In less than an hour, we’re going to wrap up this train wreck of a movie that’s already run about an hour too long. Will Smith is going to say “Aaah, hell naw!!” a few more times. Jeff Goldblum is going to keep doing that annoying Jeff Goldblum thing that he does, and I’m most certainly not going to win an Oscar for this monologue that I’m performing right now.
Mankind—that word has a new meaning for us today. No longer will it simply refer to the creepy WWE character played by Mick Foley. The word will instead come to be an amalgam of two different words: “man” and “kind.” Perhaps we should all be a little kinder to each other, but not to the aliens, because that would be silly.
Perhaps its fate that today is the Independence Day, and that the movie is called Independence Day, and that it was released on the Independence Day. Yes, fate, or some kind of genius marketing scheme. From this day forward, should we win, the Fourth of July will no longer be an American holiday, but a worldwide one. Except for the French, whom you will notice are conspicuously absent from the group of fighter pilots. Pussies.
Let’s face it people, we’re all gonna die. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but those are fucking aliens we’re up against, with fucking laser beams. They are single-minded in their purpose, which is to wipe our asses of the map, and most likely feel no pain. I mean, let’s say hypothetically we defeat these bastards. There’s probably another wave waiting behind that one. We’re fucking screwed people. Pray to whatever god you believe in. Not like it’ll do any good, cause the aliens probably took them out first.
Smoke if you got ‘em!
Way better, right? This actually inspired me to begin work on a new screenplay called ID42: Cinco de Mayo. More on that later…
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