Hoppy Easter!

Easter began thousands of years ago when Roman soldiers crucified a bunny in order to scare off potential followers of Jesus. The thinking was “If they’ll crucify a bunny…” The best part of this story is that the bunny didn’t stay dead! When his tomb was opened on the third day, all that was found was a brightly colored egg, and marshmallow “peeps” on shredded green plastic arranged in a basket.

The eggs were thought to be a type of coded message. People began searching and soon other, similar eggs were soon found, each one bringing the followers closer to the bunny’s secret location, which was at a pot of gold, under a rainbow. Unfortunately, a leprechaun succeeded in what the Roman soldiers could not, by boiling him in milk chocolate, thereby trapping him in the only substance on earth that the bunny was incapable of eating through. Because he was lactose intolerant.

That’s why every Easter, when children all over the world wake up and find chocolate bunnies in their Easter basket, they run the risk of unleashing his terrible fury upon the unsuspecting world. Jesus, to his credit, has been trying hard to track down the bunny and send him back to hell, but as you may or may not know, chocolate is kind of like kryptonite for Jesus; he can’t see through it.

Ladies and Gentleman, Jesus needs your support. He can’t continue his search for the bunny without generous donations from you. If this story has touched your heart, please send contributions, no matter how large, to me. I’ll, umm, make sure he gets them...